Posted by: riverchilde | June 5, 2018

Who are you (at 21)?

We’re approaching a milestone birthday, and it’s been hard watching the Facebook announcements of his friends as they turn 21.

I try so very hard not to think about “what might have been.” My philosophy has been “his life ended at age 14 and that’s all there was to it.”

But lately I’ve been wondering a lot about what our relationship would be like at this age. We were so close until adolescence. And then our relationship changed, as it naturally does as a boy grows up. But it would have been nice to see who he became after the cranky angsty teenage years were past.

It seems so trivial, but I wonder if he would he have jumped on the Steampunk bandwagon with me? Or would he have given me “that look” at the mention of it? With his history of tinkering and “creating” with Legos, would we have spent time together make steampunk creations? Or would he have rolled his eyes at my choice of attire and participation, while tolerating my eccentricity like his sister does? Would I have pulled out a few photos to remind him of his own history of interesting clothing choices?

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Or would his theatricality and love of drama and costumes have meant that he would develop his own costume and persona to attend steampunk cons with me?

I stop myself before I begin to develop a detailed picture of what we might have created together. That’s not a reality available to me. Or even a fantasy worth exploring. Because one can get lost in dreams like that and never come out.

Better to live in what is now, which contains the hope of a someday reunion. I do allow my imagination to ponder what happens in the next life, if we grow and change there or if we become our best selves or if it’s beyond my current conception. I take comfort in the hope that at that someday reunion,  I will finally know who Alex is now and what our relationship will be.

Imagining the details of that hope is usually enough to sustain me. (Even though that someday reunion probably won’t be at a steampunk convention.)



  1. Such beautiful stuff, Lisa!

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